Disfuncition-Junction

2006-12-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

Well hello everyone!!!!!!

I've just been swamped at work and home, alot going on, I do visit my favorites though, after this weekend, I can start posting again. I am getting a little worried, I haven't heard from my brother , The Nerd, I see he hasn't posted either. He's starting to worry me. Well, I'll start blogging again this weekend, I have some good stuff, untill then.......

Love Anastasia

2006-11-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving All !!

Not too much to post about, I wanted to post a really cute picture, but, blogger sucks tonight, it won't let me, so, I'll just wish you all a happy holiday, and now I'm going to go and get caught up on all my reading, see ya all soon!!!!

2006-11-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend". Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.

2006-11-16T18:27:00.000-08:00

Hi all, I've missed my blogging, so I have time to visit all of you, I'm gonna post another wise poem, I love this one!!!!

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them, hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
people are still assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by with charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you better have a big dick or big boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others-
they're more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you
think your finished.

I've learned that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship is first
the passion fades and there better be alot of money to takes its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something in your house isn't working
in your house, one of your kids broke it.

I've learned that the people in your life that you care for the most in life are taken
too soon, and the less important ones never go away.

2006-11-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

This made my day, it really made me think about what's important.
Have a great weekend everyone!!!!

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, & the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand & touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can' t have them

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting & just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person & know who you are before you try & know someone else & expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

2006-10-31T17:22:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling old!!!!!

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze,

cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!!!!!!!!!

I'm so young, but feeling so old. I'm told that this is what teenagers do to you.

This cracked me up, I hope you all enjoy it as well.

2006-10-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

I know I can be a bitch, that's part of my charm I guess. Apparently people don't like to be told the truth, or to be told honestly what's on my mind.

I was told today that I'm mean and I'm going to end up an old bitter woman, WTF!!!! I crack myself up sometimes!!! Any hoot, I hope these make you laugh, they did me!!!

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

A bargain: something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

A day without sunshine is like, night.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people get married more than once.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If a job is worth doing, then get someone in to do it properly.

2006-10-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

I'm doing alot of thinking today, kinda down in the dumps.......I was sent this email, I loved it, it made me feel a little better. I thought I would share.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,
>life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
>
>"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
>handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
>Christmas tree lights."
>
>"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
>you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
>
>"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a
>life'."
>
>"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
>
>"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
>on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
>
>"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
>usually make the right decision."
>
>"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
>
>"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
>
>People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
>
>"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
>
>"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget
>what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
>

2006-10-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

I just love *ucking with people!!!

So, me and my sister in law where on the phone, (she's back home in NY and I'm in Florida and we speak like 10 x's a day), and she's cleaning out my niece's closet. She says to my niece, "Do you still wear these pants?" My niece who is 12 says, "No, they give me a camel toe."

Now, I like to break balls on my brother, her father. I can embarrass him easy.I like to play stupid, and have someone explain something that is so inappropriate and uncomfortable, just to see how they do. I called him at work, (while I still have my sister in law on the phone) and say...

"K, this guy at work called me a camel toe, what does that mean? Is it bad?"

K says, "I don't know, maybe he thinks you have ugly feet!"

Now, I instantly realize, he doesn't know, he has no idea, the tears are coming down my cheeks from laughing. Me and my sister in law are cracking up.

I say, " I don't wear open toe shoes, do you think it's something sexual?"

K says "How could it be sexual, it's about a camel."

Now he asked the guy he's working with, "Dude, what's a camel toe?"

Now we are laughing so hard, now my side hurts.

He goes, "It's something with your pussy, I guess it means your pussy is all banged up, I'm not having this conversation with you, your my sister!!!"

So, I hang up on him, and me and my sister in law are amazed, he really didn't know, wow!

Needless to say, even though we had a good laugh, he didn't appreciate being the butt of our joke.

I love making him uncomfortable, you could tell he didn't know how to explain this to me.

Now, I'm thinking, this might be one of those stories that you tell, that you think that are soooo funny and after you tell it, no one is laughing, and you have to say, "I guess you had to be there"
This was funny. My side still hurts.

2006-10-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

I love this!!!!!!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident!"

7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exa ggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION ."Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going t o freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR . "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS . "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

2006-10-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's Friday the 13th.....how 'bout some scary pics mmmkay????

Enjoy your weekend everyone!!

2006-10-13T06:12:00.000-07:00

A wonderful Message by George Carlin written after his wife died:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin

Happy Friday the 13th!!!!!

2006-10-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

God, don't ya just love old folks!!!!

I do, they crack me up, no shame in their game.
Now, I just had to post this and share!!!

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least...my personal favorite ........

13. Thongs and Depends

Words to live by my friends.....words to live by......

2006-10-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

Woo Hoo!!!!!! It's the weekend!!!

I know I haven't posted in a few days....I'm gonna sit and visit all you guys tonight. So, with that said, I'm gonna leave you all with some eye candy.....

"Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like MINE !!! "

2006-10-03T05:35:00.000-07:00

Just want to wish everyone a Happy Halloween!!!!!

2006-10-02T13:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I have ADD, I start a bunch of things and hardly finish any of them.

So, being it's Monday morning, I'm in a bit of a crappy mood. So, with that said...

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace ...The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you'vestarted."
So I looked around the house to see all the things that I started and hadn't finished ... and before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Tia Maria, my Prozac, a couple of valiums, three cigars and a box of chocolates.You have no idea how freakin good I feel!

2006-09-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm not much of an animal lover, but I do have a dog, and I think of him as one of my kids. I would never part with him, no matter what. A friend of mine emailed me this letter, the tears were just flowing, it has to be one of the most heart breaking things I've ever read.

**** HOW COULD YOU? By Jim Willis 2001

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics andmade you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewedshoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend.Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?"-- but then you'd relent, and roll me over for a bellyrub.My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you wereterribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights ofnuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, andI believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walksand runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the conebecause "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in thesun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and moretime searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted youthrough heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about baddecisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell inlove. She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed herinto our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her.I was happy because you were happy.Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement.I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to motherthem, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spentmost ofmy time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how Iwanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur andpulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigatedmy ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them andtheir touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would havedefended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds andlisten to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for thesound of your car in the driveway.There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that youproduced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me.These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject.I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented everyexpenditure on my behalf.Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and theywill be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made theright decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your onlyfamily. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animalshelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness.You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home forher." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realitiesfacing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers."You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed"No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, andwhat lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about loveand responsibility, and about respect for all life.You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politelyrefused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meetand now I have one, too.After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about yourupcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another goodhome. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedulesThey feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago.At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping itwas you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dreamor I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might saveme.When realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happypuppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waitedI heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I paddedalong the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. Sheplaced me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. Myheart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also asense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days.As is my nature, I was more concerned about her.The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the sameway I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around myforeleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way Iused to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermicneedle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursingthrough my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured"How could you?"Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry."She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went toa better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or haveto fend for myself -- a place of love and light so very different from thisearthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to herwith a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her.It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

The End note from the author:If "How Could You?" brought tears to your eyes as you read it, as it did tomine as I wrote it, it is because it is the composite story of the millionsof formerly owned pets who die each year in American and Canadian animalshelters.

2006-09-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

2006-09-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

Just a nice little post for the men.....the ones who work soooo hard...

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies YOUR request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS & fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Isn't that cute????? It made me laugh, I hope you got a laugh too....

2006-09-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

Men always have to do things their way.....they can never take suggestions, and when you tell them something for their own good, they still don't listen. They have to learn the hard way. Now, this is a good little story.....Have a nice weekend everyone!!!

**** MEN NEVER LISTEN
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into themen's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch anyof the buttons on the wall."He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he hadpromised not to touch.Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeledATR.Who would know if he touched them?He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon hisbottom.What a nice felling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice thingsLike this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replacedthe warm water, gently drying his underside.When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed hisbottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievablepleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender lovingpleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push theATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nursewas staring down at him."What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATRbutton."The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under yourpillow."MEN NEVER LISTEN

2006-09-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

I'm going to copy a post from Dallas Dysfunction today,
...... I too feel like poo today!!!

I hate it when someone you can't stand talks to you and you have to act like you are interested in what they have to say.

My hair looks like shit today...new product, never again.

I brought lunch today, it was dinner from last night, not as good the next day.

My tooth hurts.

I really need to clean my car, it's filthy, but it's too hot outside.

I have way too much laundry waiting for me at home.

I'm listening to the oldies on the radio, Lionel Richie "Dancing on the Ceiling" makes me think, I'd rather be sticking myself with hot pokers

Mom called.....if you read my blog....you'll know how that call went.

I don't know what I'm going to make for dinner.

I'll talk to you all tomorrow!!!!

2006-09-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week....

I'm glad it's over. I'm just hoping that this week is better.

Our sales rep in our office just pissed me off. He has to be the biggest asshole. Everyone in our hates him. He's been pulling alot of shit.. mangagement is fed up with him, so now, everything he does is being documented and eventually, with any luck, by the end of the month he will be gone. He has to be the biggest asshole I've ever worked with. I guess there's always one in the bunch. With any luck, by the end of the month, he'll be gone.

Last night, I let my daughter go out on her first date. Just her and her "friend". He's a nice kid, but I still sat and worried till she got home. She's almost 16, I have to start some time letting her out, and I have to trust that I raised her right. She's been honest with me, she was home when I told her to be, so, I guess you have to start somewhere. I just worry because I had my first child at 16, and was living on my own. I didn't have the greatest childhood, so, I'm a little over the top with my kids. I never wanted them to feel like I did as a child. Sometimes I know I'm too much, but I know someday, they will know that it's just because I care.

I'll tell you this, it's scary to watch your kids grow.

Well, hope you all had a good weekend...I'll leave you with a funny picture....mmmmkay?????

2006-09-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Aren't monkeys cute??????

Now monkeys are my favorite animal to see at the zoo. I just think they are sooooo cute, but after seeing this picture.....I think they are even more adorable!!!!

Now, looking at this picture, I started to think of how many men would give anything to be able to do this. I mean, I'm sure there would be men who would never leave the house. Yes, I know this post might be in bad taste, but, I do have some freaky thoughts every now and then. I figure that's what I have this blog for!!!

2006-09-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

I was sent this poem today....I just wanted to share it. I sometimes think we take things for granted, not all of us...some of us.

IF I KNEW
If I knew it would be the last timeThat I'd see you fall asleep,I would tuck you in more tightlyand pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last timethat I see you walk out the door,I would give you a hug and kissand call you back for one more
If I knew it would be the last timeI'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,I would video tape each action and word,so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,! I could spare an extra minuteto stop and say "I love you,"instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last timeI would be there to share your day,Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,so I can let just this one slip away.For surely there's always tomorrowto make up for an oversight,and we always get a second chanceto make everything just right.There will always be another dayto say "I love you,"And certainly there's another chanceto say our "Anything I can do?"But just in case I might be wrong,and today is all I get,I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,young or old alike,And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.So if you're waiting for tomorrow,why not do it today?For if tomorrow never comes,you'll surely regret the day,That you didn! 't take that extra timefor a smile, a hug, or a kissand you were too busy to grant someone,what turned out to be their one last wish. So hold your loved ones close today,and whisper in their ear,Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear. Take time to say "I'm sorry,""Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."And if tomorrow never comes,you'll have no regrets about today.

Let's not ever forget those who lost their lives and their families that were left behind.
9/11/01

2006-09-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

We can't pick our family.....

I'm soooooo glad to be home. I did miss some of my family, but like I've said, there's a good part of it, that I'm glad I'm away from. I moved away almost two years ago, and at first, I was soooo home sick. What was I thinking???? Going back there made me realize how much better my life is now. It was very hard to adjust, now that I have, I can't imagine going back.

It took me 22 hrs to drive there and 19 hrs to get back. I came home Wednesday, and it's taken untill today, to catch up on my sleep. Yes, I drove straight through, crazy yes, but I figured that pulling over would just make me get behind in driving, and I'm just wanting to get there and get home. I'll tell you this, my foot was a little heavier on the way home. It felt so good to be in my own bed. I missed my husband, I missed being in my own house. All in all, it was nice to see my youngest brother and his family, but it will be a VERY long time before I make that drive again.

So, I hope you all had a nice holiday, enjoy the rest of your weekend.

2006-09-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sad today, the crocodile hunter died.....

You know, he really did some stupid shit, I mean, come on....
It's sad, but it was just a matter of time. I just feel bad for his wife and kid. Well, Animal Planet will never be the same, he will be missed. You know, the way he died is like a one in a million thing, freaky huh?

Well, one more day here with the family..... I miss my bed, and my hubby. I woke up in this morning, only to find it was my little nephew who was snuggling up to me. Enjoy your holiday.....

2006-09-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, to be home again....

Well, I made the drive from where I live in Florida to my home town in Upstate NY. Now being here is just a reminder of all the reasons that I moved away. Now, I have some family here that I love dearly, but some that I can't stomache. I'm here for a couple more days, so I'll visit some friends, visit my old job, and then the horrible 22 hour drive home. That is the worst. It's funny how some things look so different and how some things never change. Well, I hope you all are enjoying your holiday, I'm trying to enjoy mine.

Couple more days with my crazy family........Woo Hoo!!!!

Oh, by the way, I never would have thought that when people live in the south for so long, there body gets used to the weather there. I belive that now, I've been freezing my ass off since I've gotten here. It's cold!!! It's only like in the 60's, I miss the warm weather!!!! I'm soooo cold. I really would rather be in the hot weather than the cold. I can tell you now, I don't miss the winter at all!!!

P.S. I stole this pic from my brother the Nerd.....

This pic reminds me of the brother that I can't stand....... he's the asshole of the bunch, the con artist, the piece of shit......the one that my mother just thinks that is the second coming of Christ. Now, she has 3 other children that have done good with there life, he's the biggest looser, and the more he fucks people over, the more he shit's on her, the more he abuses his wife and kids, the more she loves him. Just me typing about him, I'm getting pissed, I should of never touched on this subject. But anyhoo, enjoy your holiday.

2006-08-30T09:41:00.000-07:00

Well... this pain in the ass storm has been downgraded to a tropical depression. Now, power keeps coming on and off, that's a pain in the ass, all because of the wind. I'm sooooo pissed, the media always makes a big deal, all this panic, but being from NY, I just go with the flow, I guess it's better to be safe then sorry. So, thanks for all the well wishes!!!!

2006-08-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

Well, now we wait......

My husband just put our shutters up, the wind is picking up and the rain is starting to come and go. I guess "he" is supposed to be here between midnight and 3am. I've stocked my cubards, cleaned my house, done my laundry, now, nothing to do but wait. I just hope we don't loose power, that will suck!!!! I keep hearing on the news that's it's just a tropical storm but Floridians tell me that could change on a dime. I think I'll take their word for it. Well, I'm off!!!!!

2006-08-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

Just *ucking great, the monster is on his way!!!

Now, this will be my second hurricane. The first one scared the shit out of me. I think that's because I didn't know what to expect. Now, anyone who has been through a hurricane can most likely agree with me that one of the worst things is loosing power. (unless your one of the fortuante ones with a generator, which I am not) Last year, I lost power for 4 days, 4 fucking days, yes there were people who went longer but shit, 4 days, come on!! Everything was cooked on the gas grill, even water for coffee. For someone who is a faithful coffee drinker, and can't function without it, it sucks. You can't get gas, they actually run out of gas, I mean who would of thought? Walmart actually runs out of things and has bare shelves. That was a first for me to see last year. And the most annoying thing is........ "Hunker Down" I HATE that saying!!!! Yes asshole, I know there's a hurricane coming, I know I can't be outside watching it and I know I need my shutters up on my house. "Hunker Down" has to be the worst saying ever made.

Anyways, just needed to vent a little, the whole hurricane thing makes me a little nervous. Today, I filled my car up, tonight I'll go to the store when it's not so crowded to pick up some last minute shit. Then wait....... The hurricane center has said that it should hit us here in south Florida Wednesday. Yippy Fucking Skippy!!! So, I thank you for listening to my ranting and wish me luck!!!!!

2006-08-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, my friend sent me this joke, and I just wanted to share.....

The Miracle of Toilet Paper>>

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror>> complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of>> characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically>> comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then>> every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a >few>> seconds.">>> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper>> and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How>> long will this take?" I asked.>>> "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.>>> I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper>> between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over>> the years?">>>> Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ass, didn't it?">>>> He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may>> even walk again someday................ Stupid, stupid>> man!

2006-08-27T12:16:00.000-07:00

There are just some things that men will NEVER understand. I've lived with the same one for almost 17 years, you would think by now, he would catch on, he dosen't. Here's a little list I came across, yes, I'm going to make him read it.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

2006-08-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Just a few random pictures.... I was just bored, nothing much to talk about so, I figured I would share a few photo's that made me laugh. Now, I have to say, the third picture, is what should happen to any man who cheats...... I think it would be a good consequence. Enjoy your weekend everybody!!!!

2006-08-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

One more post for today, Spawn of Satan taged me to write 5 weird things about myself...here ya go....

1. I love the smell of Sharpies.....I can't get enough, every time I use it, I have to get a good wiff.

2. I love the movie "Urban Cowboy", corny yes..but I love it and could watch it over and over.

3. I can't get into my car without checking the backseat, hey you never know...

4. I have a bad habit of saying inapropriate things, at inapropriate times, everyday this happens.

5. I'm a bit heartless..... things that should make me feel bad, or sad, I tend to think are funny.

So, there you have it, I have a million other ones, those are the ones I thought of first. So, five people I have to tag with this.... First would be Mist, she makes me laugh everyday...then my brother the Nerd, Sugar, Mr. G and Dallas Dysfunction, he's funny as shit too!! Tag, your it!!

2006-08-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

Trailer Trash, gotta love 'em!!!! Now from what I hear, these sweet southerners have their own astrological signs...... I'm a possum..here they are....

What's Your Southern Sign?
Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopesand the people that read them. If we are to everfully understand all the star signs and the peoplethey represent, we need symbols that all trueSoutherners understand: See the list below:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendousinfluence. An older Okra can look back over hislife and see the seeds of his influenceeverywhere. You can do something good each day ifyou try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come fromhumble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lotsof seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful- they may surprise you. They can erupt likeVesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20): You have anoverwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with thesurface of thin gs, and you feel the need to boredeep into the interior of everything. Needless tosay, you are very intense and driven as if you hadsome inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tendto work too much. Nobody in their right mind isgoing to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20): You're the typethat spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. Youshould marry anybody who you can get remotelyinterested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. Thismight be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21): When confronted withlife's difficulties, possums have a marked tendencyto withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-itattitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, peopleactually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems towork for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks loveto watch you work and play. You are a night personand mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, andthe bathtub to the living room. You tend not to beparticularly attractive physically, but you havevery, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a geniusfor communication. They love to get in the meltingpot of life and share their essence with theessence of those around them. Collards make goodsocial workers, psychologists, and baseballmanagers. As far as your personal life goes, if youare Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It justwon't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

C ATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish aretraditionalists in matters of the heart, althoughone's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.You Catfish are never easy people to understand.You run fast. You work and play hard. Even thoughyou prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surfaceof life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to bewith others like yourself. You like to huddletogether with a big crowd of other Grits. You loveto travel though, so maybe you should think aboutjoining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs anda good time. If you can go somewhere where theyhave all these things; that serves you well. Youare pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have apassionate desire to help your fellow man.Unfortunately, those who k now you best, yourfriends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really muchsofter than you appear. You should go right aheadand marry anybody you want to because in a certainway, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life,you can be sure that people will always pull overand stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite aButter Bean to a party because Butter Beans getalong well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean,should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life,and you feel at home no matter what the setting. Youcan sit next to anybody. However, you, too,shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quitegentle and kind inside. A good evening for you--oldfriends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, andinsects. You are a throwback. You're not concernedwith today's fashions and trends. You're notconcerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behaviorpatterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

2006-08-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

We all get junk email, and I'm sure you have all gotten those emails that you have to forward to like 10 people or you'll have bad luck, and all the emails about everday shit that you do is dangerous, but today, I was sent a email that made me laugh about all those emails, I'd like to share it with you, maybe you have already seen it, but , it did make me laugh......

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer receive packages from UPS or F! edEx sin ce they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everythingAnd thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I find dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one either!I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...Have a wonderful day....

2006-08-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

Just not in a great mood today. A little bit of everthing just getting on my nerves. That said, I'm just enjoying going to all of your blogs, reading, relaxing, and seeing the end of a really crappy day.

2006-08-21T06:07:00.000-07:00

Some new rules I came across......

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," o oh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

2006-08-16T05:49:00.000-07:00

The Value of Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and thinkabout the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let theirdreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they'regoing to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that thewheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some , it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2006-08-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

Some groups I came across...

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.Classes begin Monday, September 4, 2006

Class 1How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with SlidePresentation.Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?Round Table Discussion.Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat andAvoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The KitchenSink?Examples on Video.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.Help Line Support and Support Groups.Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The RightPlacesAnd Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.Open Forum .Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.Graphics and Audio Tapes.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?Driving Simulations.4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.Online Classes and role-playing .Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,Anniversariesand Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration.Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issuedtothe survivors.

2006-08-14T18:17:00.000-07:00

This post is for my brother the "Nerd", yes we have a twisted sense of humor.....

The NEW Poopie List!
Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only count the number of Ghost poopies, Dangling poopies, and the beloved Surprised poopie that have passed though our sewers! But into a new era we go - and scientists have begun a new quest: find, contain, and label the newest addition to the infamous poopie list. Scientists, Chae B., and Brandon W., are publishing a book on the different types of poopies in order to let people become more in touch with their inner poopie. They have included the old but improved poopies, and recently classified additions to the poo family - all with bona fide scientific names! GHOST POOPIE (ghostus poopius)You strain and grunt for many minutes and swear you felt the poopie exited your rectum, but to your awful and painful surprise, there is no poopie in the toilet! CLEAN POOPIE (cleanius poopius)The poopie comes out, you see it in the toilet, and your butt feels as slippery as an eel, but there is no poopie streak on the toilet paper! Also see UPPER-CLASS POOPIE WET POOPIE (drainiuges poopius)Even after an excruciating 50 wipes of toilet paper and your butthole is feeling as raw as new skin, your butt still feels unclean. You end up becoming desperate and folding a piece of toilet paper into a T-shape and sticking on end inside your anus and the other two following the contour of your butt. You do this for a secure tamponish feel. SECOND WAVE POOPIE (startulus secondus poopius)One of the hated poopies; it occurs when you stand up after poopie-ing and begin to pull your pants up. You suddenly have to squeeze your butt checks together as you rip them down, slamming your butt against the seat (hurting it) and poopie-ing to the point of relief. Also see THIRD WAVE POOPIE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPIE (killus veinius poopius)A dreadful poopie that is one of the leading causes of death in poopie-ing. Crapping can be dangerous! The poopie makes you strain so much, you practically have a stroke, and some people do! LINCOLN LOG POOPIE (presidentis poopius)The poopie is so huge, you're afraid to flush it without first chopping it up into smaller chunks. The leading cause of the presidentis poopius is not chewing your food well. GASSY POOPIE (gassius poopius)A dreadful poopie when attending a social or get-together; a very loud and excessive blurting sound is accompanied by a shear spills of liquid poopie. CROP DUSTER POOPIE (cropius poopius)Occurs when walking through a room filled with people and begins with long stream of gas and small poopie pellets. DRINKER POOPIE (drunkius poopius)A most noticeable poopie trait among the elderly and divorced people. Occurs after a long night of excessive drinking and doing shots. One of the more noticeable traits is the greenish-brown skid marks on the toilet bottom. Another trait is the occasional poopie on the floor when sight is disrupted and the poopier misses. CORN POOPIE (cornius poopius)The cornius poopius is one of the hardest poopies to poopie. During the procces of poopie-ing, the poopier feels a bit uncomfortable due to the following reasons: 1) The large bumps that accompany the poopie usually block rectum passage. 2) Sometimes the corn in the poopie with scrape off inside the poopier and clog the anus, causing great discomfort and an occasional doctor visit. NUT POOPIE (nutius poopius)One of the - if not THE most painful poopie in the whole history of poopi-ing occurs when one has too much fiber and/or does not chew food finely enough. It can cause rectum cuts and what we at the research center call 'Burn Trails.' GEE I WISH I COULD POOPIE POOPIE (gee I wish I could poopius poopius)A severe case among both the younger and older generation. It starts with mild cramping in the lower part of the abdomen and then worsens. Finally, when you get to a poopie disposal, also known as a toilet, you can't poopie! You just sit on the john and fart and maybe get out an occasional squirt or two, but sadly, no poopie. SPINAL TAP POOPIE (screamus loudusly poopius)A dangerous poopie! One that takes much effort, groaning, and gripping your knees to the point of pure pain. When it does finally come out, you wish it hadn't. It hurts so badly, you'd swear it came out sideways. And to prove it, you see if it is lying sideways in the toilet. Then you go get some witnesses, so that you'll have proof. WET CHEEKS POOPIE (splashius assius poopius)A poopie hated by elderly and fat people, because they can't reach far behind them to wipe them. A poopie so violent, that it splashes down and causes water to splash your butt and the small of your back and rarely, your legs! Have lots of toilet paper for this one people! Play it safe! LIQUID POOPIE (waterius poopius)A very quick poopie, but not the cleanest by far. It is characterized by green-yellow-brown liquid like poopie that shoots rapidly from your anus and goes everywhere. UPPER-CLASS POOPIE (preppius poopius)A very uncommon poopie that occurs after eating healthy foods and lots of nice water. It doesn't stink! WTF is that? A poopie that doesn't stink! Well, it should be in the protected ass group due to its near extinction and rare occurrences. SURPRISE POOPIE (shitius on thyselfius poopius)The most hated poopie of them all. You're not near the toilet, in a crown of people, or in a classroom and you think your just gonna sneak a little fart out but tagging along with that little fart is a little poopie! THE DANGLING POOPIE (klingonius poopius)Another hated poopie. This poopie loves to attach itself firmly to one side of your butt cheek and stay there. You try desperately to shake it off, but to no avail. This deadly poopie is also referred to as the dreaded Klingon! MEXICAN POOPIUS (foreignius poopius)A party poopie! This poopie explodes like a pi񡴡 and burns burns burns. It then continues to dribble and gurgle farts. It emits a vague picante aroma. A stimulating albeit mushy experience indeed! SHOTGUN POOPIE (12-gaugius poopius)A poopie that is thought to be a fart while on the toilet, but it explodes violently with a loud gunlike fart and at least 12 poopie pellets shoot out. Anything in the toilet is brutally mauled. DEAD DROP POOPIE (zombies poopius)The biggest poopies of them all! A poopie so huge, so enormously deadly, it takes at least a dozen flushes, some jabbing, and praying to get it down. Referred to as the big brother of the Lincoln Log Poopie. LITTLE NOISY POOPIE (scardius likus hellius poopius)A poopie that is the noisiest poopie in the entire history, bigger than the gassy poopie! Occurs after heavy drinking and bean eating. No solid poopie is emitted from the rectum, but spatters and small chucks are. The only time these are expelled is when a violent FART takes place. This poopie usually lasts up to 5 hours!

2006-08-13T12:07:00.000-07:00

I have a love-hate relationship with life. I know, this sounds absurd. But consider this. Sometimes life acts like a bitchy boyfriend. It never gives me what I want, it never agrees with me, and it never cease to torment me. When I come to think about it, I don’t like this relationship. I want to break it off!
That was a thought from my suicidal moments.

Now I realize. It’s not only life that’s been a bitch to me. I haven’t been perfect either. I never give him the attention he needs. I never listen to him. I don’t even give a shit about what he has to offer. In fact at most times I was the jerk.
My conclusion is, Life is a bitch. But I’m a fucking jerk. And the fact that we’re still together tells me that we’re somewhat even!

2006-08-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

Thank God it's Friday, is all I have to say......

I've had the most rotten week, I'm soooo glad it's over. Some days, I just miss being a kid. No worries, well, nothing like now. When I was young, I couldn't wait to grow up. I thought I had a pretty good plan on how my life was going to be like. It's nothing like I thought. I know this is an old saying but it is true..."If I could only know then, what I know now"

I have to say, I do belive life is a learning experience. I belive we are on a journey, and that there is a plan for all of us. I just wish sometimes, this journey wasn't so hard. I mean, you get tired, sick and tired.

Tonight, I'm going to bed early, I'm going to forget about this week from hell, and tomorrow, I'll start my weekend off right. A few cocktails, lay by the pool.....pass out. Tomorrow is another day. So, in closing, I hope you all had a better week than I did, and I hope all you guys have a great weekend, I'm going to make mine great.

I'm going to forget about all the fucktards that pissed me off at work, the ones I'd like to put my foot up their ass.....My husband who can be a rotten asshole at times......my family in NY, well, a few family members in NY who just make me out of my mind. (they are a big reason I'm sooooo glad I live sooo far from them.) And my kids.... Now don't get me wrong, I love them more than I love my life, they are my life, but they are teenagers, need I say more? I thought it would be easier raising teenagers than rasing little ones, I think it's safe to say, I was wrong. The older they get, the more you worry.

Tomorrow is another day....... Enjoy your weekend!!!!

2006-08-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

2006-08-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

The following will probably amaze and startle you.. One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. A me re 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? (No kidding, all of the above is true...) Of course, too much water may have strange side effects.

2006-08-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well, this weekend.. I have some soul searching to do. I really need to make some changes, so this weekend, that is what I plan on doing. I need to get all the negative out of my life, it's making me very bitter, (more so than usual). Tonight, I'm gonna tie a good one on, and look at things fresh tomorrow. So, everybody, enjoy your weekend!!!! Wish me luck!!

2006-08-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

Edge Designs is an all-women run company that designs interioroffice space.They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC.The client allowed the women of this company a free hand in alldesign aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all womenexecs.............The result.........well.....We all know that men never talk ... never look at each other....and never laugh much inthe restroom.... The men's room is a serious and quiet place......But now...with the addition of one mural on the wall......letsjust say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles...

2006-07-31T15:53:00.000-07:00

In Honor of Stupid People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (and you thought?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

2006-07-31T05:38:00.000-07:00

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.2. Men are like.....Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.4. Men are like .......Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.8. Men are like ..... .Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.10. Men are like .......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.11. Men are like... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ! .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.13. Men are like Parking Spots .......... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

2006-07-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

The Women's Dictionary
(my brother the Nerd posted the men's dictionary)

"Fine"This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
"Five minutes"This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.
"Nothing"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"Loud Sigh"This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."
"Soft Sigh"Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
"Oh"This word -- followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow. "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
"That's Okay"This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do"This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
"Thanks"The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."
"Thanks A Lot""Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

2006-07-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

2006-07-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

Well, visit at the Doc, nada..... I went there because I can't sleep, come to find out, I have a pinched nerve or bulging disc in my back..... Apparently, that's what's keeping me up at night. See, I told you, you go there for one thing, come out with something else wrong. Now it's x rays and bloodwork, and muscle relaxers. You know what cracked me up, he actually googled my back problem, and showed me in the office. I told him "Geeze, I could of done this myself!!" And he said yes you could of, I could of saved myself that office copay. What I'm getting at is it just amazed me that a doctor would google your problem. Don't they go to school for like a hundred years to learn that stuff? Anyways, I knew going in, I would come out with something else wrong and I was right. Well, enough about the doctor that just pissed me off.... I'm gonna post a picture for all the "Chubby Chasers" as my son likes to call them. I know, I know, big girls need love too!!!

P.S. Finster.... this one's for you. I love ya!!

2006-07-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Well, it's off to the doctor today!!!

I really needed to go. I hate going, they can't just let you walk out of there with a clean bill of health. To me, they don't treat you for the problems you have, and then they try and treat you for some bullshit that dosen't bother you. Me, I have trouble sleeping, which makes me a miserable _itch. So today, I'm going in there stern, and making sure my concerns are addressed and I'll make it a point to let him know, I'm not leaving there without something thats going to knock me out at nigt. I mean come on, what's wrong with a little sedative once in a while? A few nights of good sleep, and I won't feel like physically attacking people!!!

P.S. This pic has nothing to do with my post I know, but it did make me laugh today. Granny's got it going on!!!!!

2006-07-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

Why women are crabby!!!

We started to " bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we
are), we lea rned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Region s invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB Dr. says, "Please stop
screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole. ! After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings develop into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.

2006-07-25T07:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
* Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.* Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.* Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.* Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.

Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait here.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guarantee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, most containing alcohol. Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the damn store. The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase.

So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass. (Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you're doing it!)

Ovarily Yours,Miss PMS

2006-07-24T17:36:00.000-07:00

Once again, I HATE Monday!!!!

Not much to post. I'm aggravated with work, the kids, mostly everyone in general today. Just one of those days. So, I'll give you guys a picture... Go ahead, talk amongst yourselves!!!!!

2006-07-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

You know it's bathing suit season when the girls are showing off their bellybuttons!!!

2006-07-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you all know I'm trying to get into better shape....

Well, I kept all the clothes that I "grew" out of. I refused to give them away!!! I mean, I have some cute outfits!!! So for a while now, they have been folded and put on a shelf in my closet and I've replaced them with my bigger size. I was thinking today, "I need some motivation" so I've decided to put all those cute outfits back on the hangers where I can see them everyday. Maybe even try to get in the pants everyday!! I'm determined to get this weight off. Hubby says he dosen't mind that I gained a little weight, there's just "more of me to love" I mean come on, that's just as bad as saying "Your not fat, your just big boned" Anyways, I'll leave you with a picture that just stopped me from eating my very small piece of homemade strawberry cheesecake!!!!

2006-07-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

SORRY for what I said to you
Those words were harsh & unfair.
SORRY I took you for granted
Or that told you I didn't care.
SORRY for the heartache
And causing any undue pain,
SORRY for what I dished to you
And you didn't give back the same.
SORRY for the waiting
Or wasting your time,
SORRY if I said you weren't worth it
...I guess I kinda lost my mind.
SORRY for mistaking something
That I thought was true,
SORRY if you don't understand
Why I do what I do.
SORRY for my feelings
And if they're not enough,
SORRY that I didn't give you a chance
To work through all this stuff.

SORRY if you can't
Fit me into your life,
SORRY for what I said
Because that just wasn't right.
SORRY if I'm cramping your style
Or getting in your way,
SORRY if I don't say the things
You want me to say.
SORRY if I don't measure up
To what you want me to be.
SORRY if I can't be enough
To make you, just want me.
SORRY...but not talking to you
Is more than I can bear,
And I'm so SORRY for not telling you sooner
How much I really do care.
SORRY for apologizing
But I don't know what to do,
Because I don't want to be SORRY
If my life doesn't include you!

You know who your are. . .
I'm Sorry!

2006-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

Why couples dont have sex. funny !

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

KEEP READING.......
[
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't
get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe

2006-07-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine and myself were talking today, we were talking about bungee jumping.

When I was younger, nothing would scare me, I wasn't afraid of nothing. Now, that's all changed with age. It's even worse for my kids, I can't stand to see them do alot of things. Anyways, I'll never Bungee Jump, and after seeing this picture.... well let me know what you think!!!

Scary Hmmmm?

2006-07-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, men think they have the upper hand.....

To My Dear Wife,>> You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being54> years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I valueyou> as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that youwill> not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening withmy> 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I> shall be home before midnight.">> When the man came home late that night, he found the following letteron> the dining room table:>> "My Dear Husband,>> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being54> years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that youare> also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.I> would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel> Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis> coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.>> As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you> will understand that we are in the same situation, although with onesmall> difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.> Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

2006-07-16T14:48:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent me this joke..... I love it!!!

FEMALE COMPASSION...>>A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach>He had no arms and no legs.>Three women were walking past>and felt sorry for the poor man.>>The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?">The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.>>The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?">The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.>>The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear>"Have you ever been screwed?">The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No">>She said "You will be when the tide comes in".>

You see, us women do have a heart!!!

2006-07-16T05:47:00.000-07:00

Well, me and Hubby go out to dinner with this other couple...

Now, just to give you a little backround, my husband is friends with him, her and I aren't very close, in fact, I can't stand her. Anyways, they wanted us to go to dinner with them, so I thought I would put all that aside and go. Well, we meet them there, and they brought there kid with them. Now, don't get me wrong, I love kids, but this kid is a little (well, I'll keep that name to myself). Ten minutes after being there, I wanted to go home. I mean this kid is yelling at the parents, the waitress, other customers, he's only 5. And his parents think this shit is so cute. At the table, he's pounding his silverware, yelling at everyone, crawling all over the floor under the table, more yelling, and to top it off, he spills a nice big honking glass of water all over me, my purse, and my cell. At one point, you would think that one of these parents would lay the law down. This might sound mean but, when my kids were smaller, and they even started acting up, I used to whisper in their ear "Would you like to take a trip to the bathroom?" That always worked. I'll be the first to tell ya, my kids got a spanking when they needed it when they were smaller. I didn't beat them or anything, but I did give them a swat on the ass. Their not perfect today, no one is, but I can take them in public, they respect people, they respect me and my husband and they are basically good kids! Now this kid we went out with last night, I wanted to give him an ass whipping myself. What kills me is that his parents sat right there, not doing a thing, and they think he's so funny!! Needless to say, going out to dinner with them ever again is out of the question. My whole night was ruined over that little (beep) I know this all may make me sound like an awfully person, but, I'm only human, that little (beep) pissed me off!! I know it's his parents fault he's like that, that's part of the reason I don't get along to good with her.

Well, I'm off to the gym now, I'll get my work out in early so I can lay my sore body in the sun all day by the pool. Enjoy your day everyone!!!

2006-07-14T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, this will be the last post for tonight.....

This is part two of the beautiful wedding....

Dosen't she have beautiful cankals? Like I said before, who's the lucky one here? Oh, and her shoes, don't they match her dress perfect? I wish I could have been a fly on the wall in their bedroom on their wedding night.

2006-07-14T16:18:00.000-07:00

This is for Carrie who sent me that survey, I love ya though!!!

2006-07-14T15:33:00.000-07:00

What's the first thing that comes to your mind.....

Doll- Barbie
Potatoe- Chips
Oyster- Ewwww
Dog- Cat
Telephone- Life Line
Red Toenail - Nothing!!

Have you ever.....

Gotten stuck in an elevator? Thank God No!!
Egged a person? No, but now I want to.
Stalked someone to find out where they work or live? Um, no, that's just too creepy!!
Spent an entire day in nothing but your underwear? No, never thought of it till now, I'm gonna try it though!!
Read some friends mail or other personal papers without them knowing? Come on, anyone would look if it's right there right? (or am I just nosey?)
Gone Skinny Dipping? Well, heck yeah!! (many years ago that is, now I would scare people)
Been in a fist or cat fight? Why yes I have, and won every one!!!

Lasts.....

Time you tripped? Right before I sat down here, I'm clumsy!!
Time you cleaned the base of your toilet? Everyday, I'm a clean freak!!!
Gum you had? Trident, the orange kind.
Pair of socks? I don't really where socks, I'm a flip flop girl.
Beverage you had? Dunkin Donuts Ice Coffee
Spur of the moment decision you made? To follow the asshole who cut me off on 95 this morning! (I didn't catch him, I had to get to work)
Movie you watched? When a stranger calls (stupid movie I might add)

What would you....

Say if your best friend told you they love you (male or female)? My dog can't talk!! But I can tell he loves me!!!

Right now ....
What are you wearing? Pants that are a little too tight.... They'll fit better in a couple weeks.
What are you thinking? Why am I doing this survey?
What are you listening to? My daughter whispering on the phone, my central air.
What would you like to be listening to? The ocean
Are you annoyed by the length of this survey? Fuck yeah!!!
Are you tired? I am now!!!
How many people in the room? Just little 'ole me!!
Any cuts or bruises on your body? I bruise easy, I have bruises all over my legs.
Are there any animals in the room? Why yes, my best friend "Eddie"
Are you eating anything? My gum, and I'm starving!!

Who would you like to do this survey? Well, Pup, Mist1, my brother the nerd, shelley, Mr. G and Sugar. Now don't curse me guys!!! Love all you guys!!!! Have a great weekend...

2006-07-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

My son is quite the smart ass.... he bought me an excersise ball, he knows I'm not to sure how to use it yet. Well, today while I was at work, him and my daughter thought it would be funny to make some jokes about it, well, my son thought he would show my daughter how it's done and she was recording it. She made a little video, and he didn't know. When I seen this, I almost pissed my pants laughing!!! Ahhhhhh, kids, you gotta love 'em.... click the link below, I guarantee you a good laugh!!!

http://s43.photobucket.com/albums/e359/lilarie1012/?action=view&current=untitled_0001.flv

2006-07-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

Well, as you all know, I've decided to go and start working out. Painfull yes, but worth it. I'm hoping I can get down to nearly the size I was when I was married. I know it can be done! So that brought me to my post for tonight, I was thinking about when I got married. I was so young, so full of life, and a cute little body I must say! Now, differant story..... I'm gonna get back there though. Well I got a laugh out of this picture, it's a wedding picture and I'm sure she was just as happy as I was on my wedding day, one thing about this picture, who's the lucky one?

2006-07-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

The healthier life....

I started working out last night. I joined the gym yea!!!! I figured, I'm 35, I feel 70, so it's time to make a change. I spent 1 1/2 hrs there, I'm more determined then ever to get healthy. I was looking around me and there were some older ladies that just blew my mind!! Their bodies were amazing. I'm thinking I can't go on like this. I'm not really huge, I consider myself a little "thick" I've also noticed that alot of my clothes aren't fitting anymore, that's what jump started this whole thing. So, today, I'M SO SORE!!!! I'm told that it's because I used muscles that I haven't used in a while, YIKES!! I'm also told that you can't stop just because your sore, so tonight after work, I'll be going back. Last night was cardio, legs and abs, and tonight is upper body. I have a friend by the way who is showing me how to do all this stuff.

So now, I'm so excited, I'm on my way to losing some weight. No more feeling like a stuffed sausage!!! Well, enjoy your day all!!!

2006-07-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm feeling soooo much better today!!! The sun is out, life is good. Well, I really get into these Discovery Health shows, and I was watching one on plastic surgery. I was thinking there are some things I'd like lifted and tucked, and whatever else they can do to make me look like I did when I was 18. I came across this picture of this girl. I think this type of surgery is a little much........

P.S. Here's a little joke for you guys, I thought it was cute...

This joke sucks.... One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps hiswife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over andsays, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and Iwant to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This timehe whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2006-07-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

It rained all day, so I'm feeling a little dark, so I'll put a good post up tomorrow, I hope you guys all are having a great weekend... Today for me was a really good day to just lay around, and watch movies, I love those kind of days. So, I guess I talk to ya all tomorrow, movie #6 is about to start!!

2006-07-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

Just a little collection of curses...... they made me laugh, I hope they do the same for you.

1. May all your teeth fall out except for the one with the toothache!2. May your daughter's hair grow thick and abundant, all over her face!3. May onions grow in your navel!4. May the IRS disallow all your deductions!5. May you have an interesting and exotic vacation, in Haiti!6. May the Easter Bunny leave you rotten eggs and jellied green beans!7. May you be given a lump of coal for Christmas!8. May all of Santa's reindeer get the shits on your roof!9. May you be stricken with epilepsy while having open heart surgery!10. May you be ticketed for driving 56 on the Interstate highway!
11. May you be described in the paper as an "alleged child molester."
12. May you swallow a fishbone whilst eating sushi!
13. May all the BBSs deny you access forevermore!
14. May you try your luck at roller skating, while descending the stairs!
15. May a mean surgeon sew up your asshole!
16. May your boat capsize in the middle of the lake, and may your mother
attract to attention as she runs up and down the shore, barking.
17. May the fleas of a thousand dead camels infest one of your errogenous zones.
18. May you turn into a chandelier, and hang all day and burn all night!
19. May the desert winds blow a pissed off scorpion up your undershorts.

20. May you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma!!!

Have a great day everyone!!!!!

2006-07-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess tonight I'm gonna bitch a little bit. Now, I've been married for 16 years, (I'm 35, I was married on my 19th birthday), anyways, my husband and I basically grew up together. I love him dearly, we've been through a lot. Now, is it normal to love someone so much but at the same time you can't stand them? I can't imagine my life without him but at the same time I would love to just be alone. Does that make any sense? Now we relocated to Florida from NY a couple of years ago and things have been really hard because we had to pretty much start over. I don't know if it's relocating or what that is just making us go at each other all the time. I went to see my brother over seas last month, a part of me wanted to stay so bad, to just leave everything and start over, to hear my brother say "stay here". I know I could never do that, I mean I have my children here, my life, my husband. I just get overwhelmed sometimes, and hubby dosen't help matters. Sometimes I think we have just grown apart and we just stay together out of habit.

I've always wanted to be the little old lady who's been married for 55+ years, grandpa and I visiting our grandchildren, traveling, just enjoying life and having the feeling that "look at what we've acomplished." I want that more than anything. I want so much more for my children than I ever had. Two parents that are together and love them dearly. I want to set a good example for them. I'm at the point where I say to myself, is this really happy? Am I really happy? At times I say yes, days like today, I'm not so sure.

I belive that a relationship that you work at is the most rewarding and the one that's worth having. So many people just give up, why not, it's easy. That's just not me. If I could only know that without a shadow of a doubt, the man I share my life with, can't imagine his life without me, I would feel alot more at ease. I know he loves me, but I don't know that he's truly "happy".

Well enough of this, I don't want to bring you all down. I will say "thanks for listening"

You see" Nerd", this is one of those times I hate you being so far away, sometimes all a girl needs is a little guidence and a "it will be ok" from her big brother.... I miss ya!!!!

2006-07-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, not to much to post today. I dropped my mom off at the train station today in West Palm Beach, she went back to NY today. It was sad to see her go. I don't know when I'll see her again. Even though I have such a dysfunctional family, I do get to miss them and I wouldn't mind much if they were just a little closer. Now, I'm off to Cape Canaveral to see the shuttle launch, if it goes, so I'll talk to you guys later. Enjoy your holiday all!!!!

2006-07-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to write tonight, so I thought I would just share this picture with you guys, I love it. Well, hope you all have a great 4th of July!!!!!! (Behave yourselves!!)

2006-07-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm not feeling much better today. It doesn't help that everyone today is getting on my nerves, I'm yelling at everyone, and my husband likes to call me crazy. I'm crazy because people get on my nerves? Oh well, I'll just sleep the day away I guess. It's raining anyways, I LOVE to sleep when it's raining. It's so relaxing. Well, enjoy the rest of your weekend all. Hope you all had a better weekend then I did.

2006-07-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I've been tagged from Mr. G.... so here I go.....

#1 - The book nearest me ... "How to cook Italian". "#2 Stretch out left arm.....what do you touch? My coffee cup, or my cell phone...#3 Last thing watched on television...? A medical show on Discovery Health, I love that channel #4 Without looking what time is it? 1:30 pm#5 What actual time is it? 1:21PM#6 With the exception of the computer what can you hear? The TV, my 18 yr old's stereo, and him playing his guitar, the central air running. #7 When did you last step outside? About 15 minutes ago, I smoked a cigarette, I don't smoke in the house, I hate the smell!!#8 Before this survey what did you look at? My email, and checked "Skype" to see if my brother was on...#9 What are you wearing? My boxers, (I love mens boxers, I think there so comfy) and a t-shirt..#10 Did you dream last night? Yes, but I don't remember it!!#11 When did you last laugh? Last night, talking with my brother, he had a few at a birthday party and he just cracks me up!!! ...#12 What is on the walls in the room? My great grandmothers wedding picture,(which I treasure), it's almost a hundred years old, and some other family stuff. .#13 Seen anything weird lately? I live in South Florida, I see weird shit everyday.#14 What do you think of this quiz? I liked it...#15 What is the last film you saw? Derailed, if your going to cheat, make sure you watch this first...#17 Tell me something we don't know ... I don't like the dark .#18 If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do? EVERY child would have health insurance and no child would ever be hungry or homeless. .#19 Do you like to dance? I love dancing, I dance ALL the time!! even cleaning the house!!#20 George Bush? I think he's an idiot!!.#21 Imagine your first child is a girl... I have a girl, she's my youngest, she's my best friend, she's 15.#22 Imagine your first child is a boy ... He is...I'm proud of the way I've raised him, he's turned into a wonderful young man. (a bit of a smart ass) I love it though.#23 Would you consider living abroad? Absolutely... Germany, that's where my older brother is #24 What would God say to you when you reach the pearly gates? "You almost did'nt make it here, your great grand mother put a good word in for you" #25 3 people who will do this quiz ... I would love to see Speckledpup, (she cracks me up) My brother the "Nerd" he's such a smart ass, and Shelley.

2006-07-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a really shity weekend so far, of course alot of it is family shit. Well, it's Saturday night and I should be out right now, enjoying myself, but instead, I think I'm going to go to bed, and call it a night. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I'll wake up on the right side of the bed in the morning. Well, untill then..... Chow!!! Oh, one more thing, the song that's on my player, I know it's a dorky song, but I still dig it. I have to say thanks to my big bro "Nerd" for uploading that for me. Remember, no cracking jokes about the song!!!! (LOL) Ok, now I'm off to bed.........

2006-06-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, now my friend sent me these pictures today, they are prom pictures that were sent to her. I could'nt belive some of these pictures. What were these girls thinking? One of the pictures is of some girls feet, I guess she wanted to show them off because she had a pedicure, now I go and get my toes done all the time, but this to me is a little over the top. I would love to say to these girls, "What the fuck are you thinking?"

2006-06-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

Female Rules
1. PMS is every woman's perogative. It is always a good enough excuse for
anything, and take advantage of it whenever possible.
2. Don't be afraid to gossip. It is your responsibility to make sure your
friends are well-informed about the latest happenings.
3. You may change your mind whenever you wish.
4. Never give a direct answer when a man asks you a question.
5. It is not wrong to withold sex to get what you want.
6. Always ask a guy "What are you thinking?" after sex.
7. If he doesn't call, take it as the most personal of insults.
8. Never believe "I love you" if it comes before sex.
9. Always wear matching bra and panties for the first few dates, then you can s
witch to the comfortable old palin white cotton once you have impressed him
with the stylishness of your underwear.
10. ALWAYS say that he is the best you've ever had.

2006-06-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

My friend and I were talking today at work about what we would do if we caught our man cheating. Now I'm evil, and came up with some good ideas, and so did she. None of them can compare to this poor bastards house.... so be careful men, never under estimate what a woman will do when she's pissed off enough!!!

2006-06-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, here came my big bro with a pic to save the day, and he was right, I did get a kick out of it. Well here it is.......

2006-06-29T06:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, Ok, Ok, I'm sorry, I didn't realize my bro already posted this pic. I'll post a good one tonight. I PROMISE!!!!! It just cracked me up! Well, tonight I'll work on a good post for tomorrow!!

2006-06-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

My daughter and I were talking about kids that get picked on in school who don't fit in. I don't think that's funny by any means..... But, I did find this picture amusing, some kids WILL do anythig to fit in!!!!! For my big bro Nerd, I know you'll like this pic.

2006-06-27T17:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, wouldn't you want to know if you looked bad wearing something? I know I would. I work with a girl, who tends to wear clothes that just don't fit her too well. Anything she wears is a little too small, like t-shirts, dress shirts, anything where her chest and mid drift hang out. Now that's all good if you have the body for it, but not everybody wants to see your body. Well, the thing is, today I told this girl about her attire, she wasn't very happy, now she did ask, "Do you think I look fat in this?" Of course I didn't say your fat, I mean, I'm a little thick myself. I told her in a nice way, that she need not wear that outfit again. She gets mad, why ask then you know? Am I so bad for being honest, I mean after all, she did look like a stuffed sausage!!! I'm so paranoid about how I look, so if I'm wearing something that is'nt so flattering, PLEASE let me know.

All my love, Anastasia

2006-06-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

When I stand up for my self and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.When I stand up for those who I love, they call me a bitch.When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch. Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live MY life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.The same thing happens when I take time for my self instead of being everyones maid, or when I act "selfish".It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am out-spoken, opinionated and determained. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stop on me! I dare you..try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me, you won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and I am proud to hear it. So call me a bitch...shit your just making your self look bad. I'm sick of all the shit, all the fake, all the hatred.

2006-06-26T16:29:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying I HATE MONDAYS!!!!! With that said, I just need to vent a little. Have any of you guys ever had that one sibling, or family member that just makes you sick? Well I have one. I belive that just because your related to someone by blood, that dosen't mean shit. I have people in my life that I'm closer to than some blood relatives!!!! I always belived that family is supposed to look out for each other, I guess some people don't think this way. I know sometimes it may seem that I stick my nose in where it does'nt belong, but it's just that I don't like to see people I care about getting shit on. Now being the bitch that I am, when I feel I've been wronged or someone I care about has been wronged, the first thing I think of is to get even... I really wish I could be one of those people who can just let shit go. I can't. I'm a dweller and shit builds up and builds up untill I explode. Now, if I were like my husband, I would'nt let anything bother me. He always tells me"Worry about what goes on in our house and with our family. You can't change people. You'll make yourself crazy trying." I wish I could do that. I just don't understand how some people can shit all over people they claim to love. I mean to just plain out take advantage of. How do people like that sleep at night? Well enough of my ranting, I actually feel better. I'm sorry if this post does'nt make much sense, but just me typing what I did and sharing with you what I have, I feel better. That's all I could of hoped for. With that said, I'll talk to ya tomorrow.

2006-06-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking, it's a beautiful day here in south Florida, I'm going to the beach!! We have the most beautiful beaches. I'm very afraid of skin cancer though. Now looking at this picture, she has to know that her look is not very attractive. I mean, to me her skin looks like shoe leather!!! So to everyone, I'm just telling and showing you all this because I care..... don't stay too long in the sun!!!! I'm off to the beach!! Happy Sunday all....

2006-06-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this for all the ladies who are a little shy about wearing their bathing suit. I live in south Florida, and I'm shy about wearing my two piece. Well, I don't feel so bad now, but I'll tell you this, I'm gonna lay off the Dunkin Donuts ice coffee for a while, or at least cut down....... Happy Saturday!!!!!

2006-06-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

I know at times I can be a bitch, and I'm not ashamed. I think I'm just secure in who I am. I'm proud to be a bitch actually. Anyways, this is what I was thinking......

I am a Bitch because I take things at face-value. If you act like a asshole, walk like a asshole, and talk like a asshole, then in my book, you ARE a asshole.
I am a Bitch because I know what I want, I know I'm going to get it, and if that's a problem to you, then just deal with it.
I am a Bitch because I have no tolerance for those people who expect to carried through life on a pink cloud.
I am a Bitch because I know a pretty face can hide an ugly personality.
I am a Bitch because I realize not every elder deserves to be respected.
I am a Bitch because I know when enough is enough.
I am a Bitch because I like to defend my opinions, instead of backing down.
I am a Bitch because I mean what I say, and if you don't like it, then too bad.
I am a Bitch because I hate to clean, and I think a messy room is more comfortable than a clean one. (sometimes)
I am a Bitch because I can't act like I like you when I really don't. I am a Bitch because if I think you are a problem, you can be sure I'll tell you.
I am a Bitch because I realize that just because you're a girl doesn't mean you have to be sweet and an ass kisser.
I am a Bitch because I prefer smoking and coffee to a run in the park.
I am a Bitch because when I start talking, you had better pay attention.
I am a Bitch because I say so. .

2006-06-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

This cracked me up, I'm posting it for my big brother, the "Nerd"..... by the way, I know we have a really sick sense of humor, it's the little things that make us laugh!!! Escapee -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with escapee) -- When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Courtesy Flush -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Walk of Shame -- Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Out of the Closet Pooper -- A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

Safe Haven -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burgler -- A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way, you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Camo-cough -- A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Astaire -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Watermelon -- A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Havana Omelet -- A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Uncle Ted -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Fly-by -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave, and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Crack Whore -- A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell- tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

2006-06-22T08:16:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have one of these days?

For no reason at all, I'm just in the most foul mood. I mean, I almost want someone to really piss me off. Of course, no matter how shitty I feel, I have to keep the smile on, well at least while I'm here at work. Just know that to all of you who visit my blog, you have all given me a smile today, so to you I say "Thank You".

2006-06-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Unconventional Wisdom
1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.
3. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
5. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.
6. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper that's the time to do it.
7. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
8. Give a man the fire and you'll keep him warm for one day. Set the man on fire -- and
you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life.
9. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
10. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I love this!!!!!!

2006-06-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I thougt I would post something from a wise man.......hehehehe

Confucious Say...
1. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. 2. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. 3. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. 4. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to parkmeat in girl. 5. Man who jizz in cash register come into money. 6. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. 7. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. 8. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. 9. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. 10. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

2006-06-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Todays post is similar to the Nerds Poopie List, but, when I read this at work today, it cracked me up!!!!!!! I really do have a weird sense of humor.

1. Here I sit, in the hall of vapors. Some darn fool done stole the papers. The bell has rung I must not linger. Look out ass here comes my finger. (Variation) Here I sit in deadly vapor, Wishing for some toilet paper. How long, I wonder, must I linger, Before I'm forced to use my finger? (Variation) Here I sit In the halls of Vapor. Some darn fool Done stole the Paper (Variation) Here I sit, In the vapor. Last guy in, Used all the paper!2. Found printed on a condom machine. "This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!"3. Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom: "My wife follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."4. Those who write on bathroom walls, Roll their shit in little balls. And you who read these words of wit, Eat those little balls of shit.5. Here I sit, broken hearted Came to shit and only farted. Wasted a dime, but what the hell, At least I can sit, and enjoy the smell. (Variation) Here I sit, broken hearted, Paid a dime and only farted. The next time I took a chance, Saved a dime and shit my pants. (Variation) Here I sit lonely hearted, Tried to shit, but only farted. Back at my desk I take a chance, Tried to fart, but shit my pants.6. Found this on a condom machine at a local tavern. "For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"7. Be like Pop, Not like Sis. Lift the lid, Before you Piss!8. Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to shit and stink. I come here to scratch my balls, And read the writing on the walls. (Variation) Some come here to sit and think And write upon the wall. I come here to shit and stink And scratch my hairy balls.9. What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom? The candy man can.10. Women's bathroom: "We aim to please, Men claim to please."

2006-06-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine sent this to me today, I thought it was funny and wanted to share.....

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to moniter my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead, maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

2006-06-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been here?

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............>1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.>2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.>3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.>4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO>5. WE START CRYING AND! TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.>6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
> 7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.>8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.>9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.>10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)>11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.>12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.>SEND THIS ALONG TO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE FUN. MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID....SADLY, MANY ARE TRUE!!

2006-06-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I found this surfing the net, I love it and wanted to share it..... It made me think of all the special people in my life and you know who you are...... Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.You can only go as far as you push.Actions speak louder than words.The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.Don't let the past hold you back;you're missing the good stuff.Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.Some people make the worldSPECIAL just by being in it.BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS. Friends are FOREVER.Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.Don't frown. You never know who isfalling in love with your smile.What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.Everything is okay in the end.If it's not okay, then it's not the end.Most people walk in and out of you life, only friends leave footprints in your heart. know

2006-06-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

Just a little thought for today.......

Family ties are precious things woven through the years, of laughter, love and tears.
Family ties are cherished things forged in childhood days, by love of a parent or sibling true, by tradition, by family ways. Family ties are treasured things and far though we may roam, the tender bonds with those we love still pull our hearts toward home.